This is a special archive presentation of the first issue of The Whore Report which Bucks e mailed to friends in 2005.
The WHORE REPORT Issue #1, Oct. 2005
With The WHORE REPORT, I hope to have some fun making fun of people that I thought I'd never have to make fun of. Maybe someday I myself can sell out, and they can make fun of me right back. It would be a nice problem to have. Let's start right at the top!
NO ONE sucks up better than the bleedin' Stonesies! They're me heroes and they's the champ. I absolutely love their new album, A Bigger Bang, and recommend it to anyone who needs to believe in these fallen angels again. God bless 'em and I hope they live long enough to make another album as good as Bigger Bang someday! Surely the return of Christ will disrupt those particular sessions.
The lads have signed a season long partnership with the NFL. They'll have their mugs and music somehow relating to the games at hand, although I don't watch sports so I couldn't tell you what's involved. I do know who's playing the Superbowl, and I will tell you now it's the Stonesy Wonesys, which doesn't offend me in the least. I'm hoping Mick might reach over and tear off a piece of Keith's shirt. Now that would be some good TV, and get the televangelists all fired up again. Janet who? Delicious day, please come my way.
About the time of their album release, I began enjoying a series of television commercials starring Mick, Keith, Charlie and Woodrow. They're bashing it out onstage, while the representative (or spokesperson) of an investment firm of some kind gets jostled about moshing style by the crowd. At one point the female rep starts yelling at Mick while he's in camera range. Clearly, the band insisted in being 'creatively involved' in the shoot, rather than phoning it in like so many OTHER superstars who just include their songs in commercials. At least they care enough to make a personal investment in the ad's believability. At the end of the commercial, the company's logo (I forget their name but they manage money for grownups) is swallowed by the band's famous Licks logo with a loud slurping sound. There's a message here kids...that beloved logo is going to swallow everything in it's path, and no one is safe. There are no longer enough fat wallets to fill up the whale; it's strictly Purina Fortune 500 Chow for these boys now. I can't wait until Keefy gets his own solo ad career going. I predict a toothpaste commercial for Colgate; "As few as I got left, mate, I ain't riskin' NUFFIN'!" (followed with a big gummy grin and a quick peck on the cheek from Micky and the Licks logo chomping both their heads off, with a very loud gulping sound)
Where it gets a bit dicey for me is here; it is announced in the latest Virgin Records sales catalogue that the boys have signed a season long agreement with everybody's favorite soap opera, The Days Of Our Lives. Their first single off the latest album, "Streets Of Love," is now going to be the official love theme of the show for awhile. We'll get to hear bits of it while young couples make love and fight and make love again. Can't wait! I think I should be watching soaps on TV while I listen to the new Stones CD so it can finally all make sense to me. Or at least sing "Streets Of Love" to my wife every time we argue.
Guess you can't blame 'em for that - hell I wish my band were good enough to have our songs played on TV, although I'd choose The Young And The Restless any day of the bleedin' week. What's smelling up the In Tray here at The WHORE REPORT is that this same catalogue reports that 'the band is rumored to be considering actually performing on the show.' I mock them, yes, but I'll be the first to get my wife to TiVo it. I can't work the damn thing. It will be a surreal and delightful moment in TV and rock history, to be sure. I hope it's in one of those TV bars where actors are dancing poorly, exchanging serious looks and sipping fake TV beer. I hope a young hunk catches his girlfriend winking at Mick and says, "It's over!" Mick will no doubt stop the song and tell them that this next song will no doubt shed some light and help them get it all straight, while returning the girlfriend's wink. I'm also thinking a nice acoustic set, maybe "Wild Horse" and "Angie," might perfectly cozy things up and ease tensions on Meet The Press.
You may have missed Mr. Dylan's fabulous appearance last year in a short lived Victoria's Secret commercial. I've seen a 4th generation clip downloaded through a borrowed Radio Shack calculator, but I'm pretty sure that's Bob shifting suavely around in his top hat and fancy suit while a sexy girl ignores him and contemplates life in a better bra. Does this mean he's sold out? Nonsense, he's Bob Dylan for Chrissakes! It just means that they wouldn't pay him enough to bare his little bum and do some shake-n-bake for us. If only Victoria were more generous, I'm sure the leader of all known generations would have bumped those other hussies off screen and peeled some layers off the onion if you know what I mean. I'm tired of people getting all touchy screamy about his seeming defilement of his messiah status. I mean, if you were God, wouldn't you want a little poker/cigar/foldout action every now and then? We thought so.
Again, the new album is shockingly good. Didn't think he had it in him! Here at TWR, we specialize in being wrong and biased. It's our job. It's called Chaos And Creation and a bunch of other words I can't remember; buy it but be informed, it wasn't made for today's super busy 'song here, a song there, listen while I'm texting' kind of world. It's very melodic, strange, and understated. Buy a pair of headphones at a thrift store and lay down on the couch when you can give Sir Cute One an hour of your time. But don't forget to quickly use the very limited insert that informs you of a very limited opportunity to use a very personal code to download an EXCLUSIVE Paul McCartney song from the WALMART website which is not contained on the CD. Huh? That's right, Paulie Boy deemed one song to be SO SPECIAL that he could only entrust it to the very wise and savvy music executives who work for WALMART. My cussword, GOD, it must be amazing! If only The Beatles had been smart enough to make "Hey Jude" available only from shoe department managers at Woolworth's if you mentioned your own secret password. At least if they had, I might not be so tired of the chorus by now, because that sweet anthem would likely be forgotten by now. Guess he could always reissue the CD after we've all already bought it with a sticker saying 'Now Including The Secret Song That Was Intended For WALMART Customers Only For Awhile!' Then I would gladly repurchase it and hawk my original non-WALMART edition on Ebay.
While you're listening to his fab new album, you can enjoy his remarkably candid interview in the new Rolling Stone. Great pic on the cover, Paul! I love Paul because so often, he's voiced disgust with the exploitation of Beatles songs when they're used in TV commercials without his permission. So I was a bit puzzled when I opened this issue of Retailing Stoned and found a delightful 2 page spread of career spanning McCartney photos with a caption reading 'this is Paul, this is where he's been' or something like that. On the facing page, it says something about His Sirness still wanting to plan for his future, and that's why he trusts his old geezer funds to Mutual Mortality or whatever they're called. It's very comforting information. I wonder if they can help me manage my paycheck to afford the $400 tickets I need to get into his next Dallas show. But really I'm offended by the price only because that level of money is so far BENEATH HIM. Makes him look like a starving waif, like in Oliver; while settle for pudding when you can buy out the Jello Corporation! So is he finally commercially exploiting his mug and heritage for the sake of socking a few bob? We here at WHORECO are not fit to judge. Judgement is not our specialty. But we like to think we're fairly good at shame and ridicule, which in the long run is just as good.
But seriously, it's always a bit unsettling when a f'n' Beatle bites the money hook. First Ringo made 4,000,000 print, radio and TV ads and now Paul finally has one. Surely George and John cannot be far behind.
"I luv reicarnation becuz it's so Krishna and luvly, so I've come back down to get some REAL rest on me new Sleep Aire mattress, yeh. Them clouds wuz killin' me back with no proper support. I'm so peaceful and happy from all this nappin' these days on me Sleep Aire magic carpet beddy that I'm thinkin' of finally remixin' 'n' remasterin' the Travelling Wilburys records with added bonus tracks 'n' session footage! Trouble is I'm only three years old in me new life as a future Pakistanian guru, so it's gonna take awhile."
"'ello mates, it's Johnny 'ere, an' I've got sum good news for me friends. Price War Is Over If You Want It...at WALMART, where everyday's a bleedin' discount frenzy. While yer there loadin' up on yer clean edit rap CD's, and by the way, what's a rap or a CD, pick up me 17th best of entitled Working Class Hero, The Definitive Collection or the like. It was assembled by me widow who was channelin' ME, so it's like I bloody made it meself! So shop at WALMART and give lower prices a chance!(wink)"
If only everyone had lived long enough to do one last tour for McDonald's. That would be McFab.
Far too many details to report. I don't have the time, for I am a mere mortal. No hard drive on Earth is capable of this weighty info overload. It would take a G-Million for my Mac to store just a list of the prescription medicine commercials alone! Maybe someday, if time and finance permit, we can finally focus here at TWR and change the name to The WHO(RE) REPORT.
DONOVAN??? We're trying our best to contain our feelings, but our favorite heavenly lad now has the chorus of his first amazing hit "Catch The Wind" in a Volvo commercial. It's really cool, cause you get to watch a crumpled up Volvo magically repair itself and resume its true form. There is NO WAY I could understand a Volvo or ANY kind of car doing that without a Donovan song playing. No way! Think about it, people, it's a NO BRAINER. So simple I won't comment any further. Hint: the destroyed car represents the physical death of man, while the reconstruction, or rebirth, or reincarnation of the car tells of the redeeming and healing force which awaits us all at our own time of passing, if we purchase a Volvo and play Donovan music on the multi-disc. Oops, I gave it away.
What, us worry? It was strange enough when this magazine began accepting actual advertising in the late 90's, having refused to do so since its inception in 1952. They make FUN of ads, remember? Well, MAD is no longer a trend follower but a trend setter, starting with their latest issue which has a small photo of a cheeseburger attached to the MAD logo on the front cover, with a caption that reads, 'See page 3.' Turn to page 3, and you will find a delicious looking full color ad for White Castle hamburgers.
I remember about 20 years ago when in a stoned haze I predicted to a stoned friend the onset of front cover advertising. "No WAYYYY, dude!" I am now predicting, no YEARNING FOR, all magazines to ditch editorial content and visuals entirely in favor of ads. Front cover, back cover, all pages in between, and for THAT magazine (the MAD logo without the M?) to be sponsored by the Rolling Stones, who by then will no doubt own all universes contained within the known imagination of God and/or His or Her legal representatives. And I want the whole Earth to be swallowed up entirely by a gigantic, floating in space Licks logo, complete with a very loud slurping sound. And then I want another even BIGGER Licks logo to swallow the one that swallowed the world, with an even louder slurping sound. And then I'll yell, "Cut - it's a wrap!" Cause, like it's, cause, just a commercial, right, on that TV I was watching when we were stoned back when I first thought of front cover advertising, right?
HIGH CONCERT TICKET PRICES IN GENERAL
To the chase; if you are not a millionaire, you have no business going to rock concerts. Who the f do you think you are, complaining about so called greedy celebrities, anyway? It has ALWAYS been this way. I remember when I first saw The Who in 1973 - tickets were $295. We were all pissed because Led Zeppelin had the decency at the time to only charge $290, and Zeppelin were of course the bigger band of the two. Beatles tickets in the Sixties were usually around $275. When Buddy Holly performed in the Fifties, tickets were a very modest $260. Frank Sinatra, before rock and roll smelled up the joint, used to command $220, and his pop mentor, Bing Crosby, used to make 'em swoon to the tune of only $175, but that was in turn of the century money. So if you allow for inflation over a 100 year period, really, concerts have never been cheaper! So sell your damn house and see McCartney AND the Stones this year. Why should you have to choose?
FAREWELL, FOR NOW...
That's all for now, but no sniffling allowed. That whirring sound you hear is the sound of expensive cameras filming every dance and pout of DOZENS of musical heroes who are no doubt making spots this very minute to guide you through the spiritual maze that is this life. Do you really want to choose your ketchup or your luxury car without the most important urgings offered up by Sting and his mirthful cohorts? We wager not.
We say goodnight for now, but with certainty of swift return. And please don't glorify Neil Young or Pearl Jam as the self righteous holdouts they might have you believe in. Just because someone thinks their so called anthems belong on albums and not in TV adverts doesn't make them wise or right. They are merely biding time, watching the licensing fees climb. And when they crumble, and they will, The WHORE REPORT will be there to keep you informed.
- Bucks Burnett, 2005
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